I've never lived alone. After high school I moved into a dorm in college with a roommate and shared a floor with 20+ other 18 year old girls. (Technically, I guess I did have my own dorm room for one semester but you were never really alone on the 8th floor of Stephenson East in 1996.)
After that first year, I shared a house with two other girls and then moved in with my future in-laws for six months before Jeff and I got married.
Not only have I never lived alone, I have never spent much time alone. I always loved having lots of friends and being involved in tons of things.
I rarely eat out alone and have never been to a movie by myself. And when I'm the only one home I usually had the tv on to fill the space.
I don't know if it's being in my mid-thirties and becoming more comfortable with (even liking) who I am. Or maybe this is what happens when you have three babies in three years, spend eight years deep in the trenches and then suddenly find yourself with all three of those kids in school all day.
It could be that there is stigma associated with moms desiring "me" time. I know I often felt guilty about leaving the kids or "needing" a break even though Jeff was always willing to give me one. I guess it doesn't really matter what caused it.
This is what I know today, I crave being alone.
Especially in my house, in silence. It's like a breath of fresh air. I feel like I'm able to complete a thought, read a book and maybe dream a few dreams of what may come.
I'm realizing that I can only be there fully for Jeff and the kids when I'm refreshed. (I loved this from Molly last week.)
Not only that, but I am starting to figure out who I am after spending these last few years in the trenches and without all of those outside influences that I depended on so much in my teens and twenties.
That feels good.
Don't get me wrong. I love my friends and I look forward to meeting new people while we're here. I can't imagine living life without my four. It's just that I'm not nearly so uncomfortable alone.
In fact, I really am enjoying it.